I Love Him And I Can't Be With Him

Hello to everyone reading this my name is Sola, this is a story of what is happening to me presently and I need your advice on how to go about it I have been crushing on this guy for four years now. Crazy right? Yes it is. Well I finally told him but at first it didn't look like it was on a serious note so I decided to let everything slide. Some months later I spoke to a friend of mine and he told me to express how I feel, that if he likes me fine and if he doesn't it’s not the end of the world.
So I agreed to but unfortunately I couldn’t gather up enough courage to tell him, because the first time was because we were playing t or d (Truth or Dare).

When my friend got to know that I hadn't told him yet, he continued to pressurize me into telling him and explained to me what will happen if I didn’t. He told me I was going to get jealous over every little thing like if he talks to a girl, if he used a girl’s picture on his dp or whatsapp status and other stuff like that but I was stubborn so I made it clear that I cannot be jealous, because for the past four years I haven’t exactly been jealous, so my friend made it clear to me that it was because I wasn't head over heels about him back then than I am now which was very true.

So I finally made up my mind to confront my crush and tell him how I really feel but I didn't know that my ‘CRUSH’ has been seeing my chat with my friend not intentionally tho, he came across it when I left my phone and when he saw the chat was about him he read it, I would have done the same also.

So one faithful day, He messaged me on whatsapp and asked me what I liked about him? I found the question strange because he hasn't asked me anything of such before, so I asked what he meant by that, then he told me that he has been seeing my chats and stuffs like that then we talked at length and I told him how I felt about him for the past four years..... Finally but that's not it after telling him, we became close and my feelings for him grew as we spent time a lot together, we kissed a lot yeah, it was mostly kissing nothing more and those moments where worth it until the big reason came.

My CRUSH and I have something in common which is singing... And we are both in a group. To cut the long story short one of the group rules and regulations was to not date each other, because that particular rule has been one keeping the group together this exactly was the main reason I couldn’t tell him for the past four years. I know by now people will say “if u can't make the rules you bend it” yes I could have done that it's very easy and I could always join another music group which is perfect self but my passion for music is just so crazy! I could leave the group also yes but the group has helped me through thick and thin so I couldn’t leave without a genuine reason I wish I could explain further...

So we talked about the situation on ground my CRUSH and I then we both agreed to get ourselves someone else. He got himself this new Bae she was beautiful, cool, sophisticated what other word can I use to describe her she was just perfect for him and me on the other hand couldn't get anyone not because I didn't want to but because it was hard to.
One month later I tried to kill my feelings and just let the feelings go, it worked and I was doing just fine. But we grew pretty close more of besties tho we shared problems together and solved it together also. Things continued like this for a month, then all of a sudden I started having these weird feelings anytime I notice calls from his girlfriend, I get extremely furious and jealous when I see her pictures on his phone I get angry and mad but I try to hide it I felt really sad deep down I felt she was better than me and more beautiful but I kept it inside of me, this made me sad a whole lot n lonely, very lonely most times when I talk to him he will notice my mood swing and when he asks I just lie about it...

The jealousy continued to the extent that I ask for his phone just to read up their conversations on whatsapp and when I come across anywhere they fight I'm always happy, like it gladdens my heart but at the same time I know it’s wrong.
 Mostly I try to make sure I spend most of my day with him take pictures and post it on social media to make his girlfriend jealous and most time, I get the thoughts of her seeing us as just friends sometimes, it make me sad that she probably doesn’t care.

Thinking about it I decided to stop reading the chats, reduce the way I talk to him, stop posting pictures of us again because I respect his girlfriend and she doesn't deserve any of it but deep inside of me I am hurt, really hurt and when I think of it I usually regret the day I told him I was crushing on him because It would have been less painful but now
I'm just a lonely girl what should I do now?